I want to start this post off by explaining the #shewontbedenied movement. It all starts with “Listen, Lucy” ; an extremely powerful organization focusing on ending the stigma around mental illness. This empowering movement is close to my heart because the main focus is to shine a light on women and our right to be extraordinary. “We want them to see that they are bosses in their own right — whether they are business owners, doctors, mothers, teachers or anything in between….” Being raised by a girl boss (shout out to you momma!), surrounding myself with best friend’s who are all working so hard towards their dreams, and connecting with business owners in my community, I have learned woman are STRONG AS SH*T.
“…We, as women, can move mountains. It is time to remind us all of that.”
Check out www.listenlucy.org, and @listenlucy on Instagram and twitter.
As much as I stand behind this movement, for weeks, I had a difficult time thinking about how to join this conversation. Of course, I could talk about how empowered I am as an artist, or even writing my blogs.. but then it hit me. I’ve never talked about something I should have shared a long time ago. Buckle up, because things get REAL, emotional, and terrifyingly personal. However, #SHEWONTBEDENIED to share her story.
I have depression….
There it is, out in the open, hanging there. I also wanted to point out that I didn’t use the term “struggling with” because this is no longer a fight for me. I know now that I am much stronger than depression. It is important for me to share this with you all because I truly believe that no matter who you are, how low you feel, or how heavy even the word “depression” sounds… YOU ARE STRONGER THAN DEPRESSION TOO.
I didn’t always believe in my own strength though. I used to believe my sadness could swallow me whole… in fact, I used to want it to. I was strongly addicted to the sadness because it was more comfortable than fighting. The sadness became my friend, telling me to love it more than I loved myself. Telling me to self harm, to not eat, to eat too much, to drink too much, to not get too close to people…. and eventually it told me to leave this world.
That was the night my reality shifted. I attempted to take my own life in September, 2014. I think a lot of people believe that something specifically bad happened to me that night, or that that’s even how depression works. However, that’s not the case. The only horrible thing that happened was within myself. I didn’t love me anymore and that was the root of it all.
I don’t need to go into detail of how I tried to leave this earth, because that’s not the point of this post. The point is what happened after. 1. My friends broke my door down to get to me. They loved me even when I no longer could, and it saved my life. 2. Telling my mother what I tried to do was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever had to do. In that moment, I vowed that I will never again cause her (or any other loved one) so much pain. 3. I realized my value and the thought of my life being over suddenly scared me to my core. I am thankful every single day that my suicide attempt was a failed one. 4. Today, I am here.
…and I am powerful.
If you are currently dealing with depression…I beg you, please don’t wait until the wake up call that I had. Reach out to me, tell a loved one, see a professional, and save this number in your phone.. suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255. You are strong.